Silence… 

When I’m in silence I start thinking… I long for a noise to break the silence. I lay there and think of all the memories, all the mean words, all the kisses, and all the hugs. I starts to hurt. I cry and pray and can’t stop thinking. 

Then what I’m doing hit me… I’m breaking down. I’m not being strong. I then think “pull yourself together!” I wipe my face and just do what he told me to do when I cried any other time. 

“Breathe deep and slow. Think of your happy place. Just breathe it’s okay!”  The thought of him saying that comforts me in the silence and in the mourning. 

So when you’re missing that person you’ve lost “breathe deep and slow. Think of you’re happy place. Just breathe it’s okay!” 

It’s okay to not be strong all the time. But just down break and don’t be in the silence to long your mind will start to wander. So just breathe it’s okay! 

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Vaction he can’t come on… 

As I pack for a vaction that he was supposed to come with us on my heart is heavy. I find his packing list I made for him so he would t forget anything and all I can think about is he’s not coming. 

I think about how we only got to go to the beach one time together and how I brought a friend last year cause he and I both agreed we’d have a ton together since we were gonna get married. It hurts to think about this stuff. I keep not wanting to go and just stay home. But then I remind myself that he’d want me to go not matter what. And how he wants me to be happy. It’s so hard sometimes but I have an angel watching over me to make sure I stay save and happy so I will be okay! Just gotta remember that when times get tough! 

Today I found out some stuff I didn’t know. Which is so hard! Makes everything seem even more unreal! That wasn’t him. He wasn’t himself! He just wasn’t! The things he did weren’t him at all!

That man that did that wasn’t the man I knew. He walked through the house saw his family stole a gun. Walked back through the house and saw them again. Left and went to his dad and committed suicide. 

The man I knew wouldn’t have done that. He wasn’t himself that day. He just wasn’t in the right state of mind. 

Heaven or hell?

Just a moment again I finished a movie called “The Dreams That May Come”. I won’t go until detail, but a guy dies and is finding his family in heaven. Well then he hears news that his wife just committed suicide and the guy then goes on to say “all suicides go to hell”. That pushed a ton of buttons for me being a Christian and someone who just lost a loved one to suicide. 

So I’m here to tell you suicide is a equal sin to murder. The bible clearly states that all sin of a saved person will be forgiven meaning if a saved person commits suicide they are forgiven which means they will go to heaven. (Colossians 2:13–14)

You don’t go to hell for your sin. If you go it’s because you weren’t saved! 

If you’re not saved stealing a penny equals hell. If you’re not saved then living a perfect sin free live equals hell. Not having God in your life is why people go to hell. Not because they lied, murdered, committed suicide, cheated, or cussed.  

So suicide doesn’t equal hell! 
Is suicide unforgivable in the eyes of God?

When I read this my heart began to hurt. On average one person every 40 seconds! That’s insane! We have to do something about this! We have to raise awareness. If we don’t these stats will keep going up! Each year 42,773 Americans die by suicide. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.! For every suicide death there are 25 attempts. Do your research on depression and suicide and have a talk with your family. And teens aren’t the only ones who commit suicide. 

My story

On the fist day of ninth grade i started dating a guy, who was wonderful! We definitely loved each other! But then he started to become depressed.But in May he decided to end his life. He texted me at school and told me he was thinking about it. I begged him not to. I called him and we talked and he seemed okay he told me that he loved me and that he would try not to go. As soon as we got off the phone I texted his mom and told her to go find him. She didn’t answer me. So I texted his sister and she called his mom. They loaded up the car and headed to his dads. they thought they could save him but it was too late.

His mom told me that as she approached his car she couldn’t see him, he was kind of hunched over. she thought he had overdosed on pills. She opened the door and saw a gun in his lap and blood everywhere and realized she was wrong. he had shot himself. she pulled him out of the car and tried to save him.

She was about 10 minutes too late. They called 911 and he was pronounced dead at 1:12 pm.

His story needs to be shared. It needs to be out there for the world to know. I need to use this tragic event to help others! So please if you need help contact me or leave a comment. if you know someone who needs helps please call their parents or someone who lives with them or you can also contact me. If you are a survivor of suicide please fill free to share your story as well.